It is,
unfortunately, that time of
the year! The end of the school year can bring big changes for children and
families, and some of those changes involve loss. Friends might be moving away
or changing schools. For some children, having a close school buddy assigned to
a different classroom can be upsetting.
All of us
will lose people we love at some point in our lives, through death or other
less dramatic separations. Helping children successfully manage the separations
that inevitably occur at the end of a school year is a good way to help them
develop lifelong strategies for coping with loss.
The Words
You'll Need: You're really going to miss “Alison”, aren't you?
The
Reason: Let your child know that you hear what he/she is saying.
Feeling unheard compounds a child's sense of isolation.
The Words: It's
really sad that she's leaving.
The
Reason: Help children learn the words to identify what they are
feeling so that they can develop a vocabulary to talk about their emotions.
The Words: I
remember when my friend moved away, I felt mad and sad. Even though it wasn't
her fault, and she couldn't help it, I still felt angry.
The
Reason: Sometimes it's helpful to share your own experiences coping
with a particular problem. Acknowledging your own feelings of anger about a
loss is a good way of letting children know that it's okay and even normal for
them to have angry feelings about someone moving away.
The Words: You've
had a lot of fun with Alison, haven't you? You've known each other since you
were babies. No wonder you're upset.
The
Reason: It's important to validate how important his/her departing
friend is to your child, as well as his/her feelings about the separation.
The Words: Would
you like to do something special with Alison before she goes?
The
Reason: Planning a good-bye party or event is a good way to help
children take active control over some aspect of their impending separation.
Your son/daughter can't stop her friend from leaving, but he/she can choose how
to spend time with them before she goes.
Find out
how she would like to mark her friend's departure. Perhaps she would like to
spend a day with just the two of them, or give a party for her.
The Words: I like
to email my friends who live far away. We also write real letters and talk on
the telephone sometimes. It's not the same as being face to face, but it's a
way to stay in touch.
The
Reason: Help your son/daughter think of ways that she can stay in
touch with her friend even when she's far away. If it's possible to arrange a
visit, you can plan that with her, too. Testing skype /face time calls and
emails can be a great way to sooth worries about distances.
The Words: No one
will ever exactly take Alison's place, but you'll keep on making good friends
as you grow up-in fact, it's hard to believe now, but it's likely that you will
have other best friends as well.
The
Reason: Even as you acknowledge the unique place his/her departing
friend holds in your daughter's life, let him/her know that you have faith in
her ability to continue to make good friends.
The Words: Any
time you want to talk about this, let me know. Talking about it won't keep
Alison from leaving, but it might help you feel less lonely.
The
Reason: Saying good-bye is a process - your son/daughter might need
several conversations over the course of her friend's departure, and after he/she
leaves as well. Make sure your child knows that you're available.
Beyond the Rap
·
Encourage your child to make something for her departing friend --
working on a photo album, or a collection of written memories, will help him/her
process the loss and is a wonderful good-bye gift.
·
Allow time and space for grieving. It's hard to watch our children be
sad. On the other hand, allowing ourselves to feel painful feelings is
essential to healing. Remember that healing takes time.
· When faced with your own losses, remember
that you are a model for your children. How you cope with loss will influence
how they cope with it.
